Hannah Schlemer

Nurse/Mother

I grew up in a conservative Christian church and attended a Lutheran private school K-8th grade. I was raised to believe that someday I would meet a man who would lead me in my faith. I would submit to him and he would love and lead me in return. I was so brainwashed with purity culture and men as leaders that I almost felt like I couldn't truly live out my dreams until I found a spouse to "lead us" in them. (I'm not sure how deep this podcast wants to go. I could share how damaging this patriarchal belief was to me. It led to a 60 year old teacher grooming me. And I didn't feel I had a voice to speak up. Then my parents found out, but did nothing. Because he was a man of the church whom they deeply respected). I was raised to believe that homosexuality was wrong. It did not fit the gender complementarian roles that had been laid out for me. I always struggled with this... I had arguments with my pastor saying "but other sins are rooted in greed, lust, or hate. How can something rooted in love be a sin?" I never felt satisfied with the answers I received. I had my 1st female experience at the age of 14. But we both were in denial. We said we were "practicing" for our future husbands. Fast forward to college, and my attractions would become evident to others when I was drinking. Alcohol was like truth serum. I'd get drunk and flirty with girls. But again, I'd justify it saying I was just over friendly when drunk. I left the Lutheran church in 2013. I wanted to join a church I has found that did a lot of outreach to the community. It was a tiny church of maybe 15 people that met in a coffee shop. I liked their ministry for alcoholics and drug addicts. They also did mission work in Kenya that I was drawn to. I had wanted to be a medical missionary since I was 11. (Again, felt like I couldn't until a man appeared to lead me in that). I loved this church at first. I moved in with the pastor and his wife. I was hungry for Jesus and felt like they were making a difference. I remember not liking how the pastor spoke to a gay couple one Sunday. They were visiting teenagers. He told then they would have to break up and leave that lifestyle of sin if they wanted to attend our church. Needless to say, the girls never came back. I wrote him a letter about how upsetting this was to me. And how maybe homosexuality could be compared to polygamy culturally. Maybe it wasnt God's design, but God could still love homosexuals? King David had many wives, but God and him still had a vibrant relationship. I said I believed God could see our hearts. So who are we to turn away that gay couple if they wanted to know Jesus? I did not like his response... He told me homosexuality was a lifestyle sin. And that one could not be saved if gay. I ended up going to Kenya with this church. We set up a medical clinic there. I fell in love with the kids at the orphanage. I wanted to live there as their mother, and work at the clinic as their nurse. My pastor and his wife had all these hoops for me to jump through before they would allow me to go back. They said I wasn't spiritually or emotionally mature enough. They needed me to grow. They suddenly had all these rules. I had a curfew. I had mandatory prayer meetings twice a day. They expected me to volunteer more in the community. And there were discipleship classes I had to attend. After a year of this, I fell into a deep depression. I wanted to see the orphans again. And I felt like they were never going to approve me going. I snuck out one night and had a one night stand with one of the church members. It was a terrible experience. And he went right back to his ex girlfriend the following day. I felt used. And I missed my sponsor children. All these emotions led to suicidal thoughts. (I could share my plan if we're going that deep). I ended up in a psych ward. And when I was released, there was no compassion from my pastor and his wife. They interrogated me to see why I was depressed. I shared all the pain I was feeling. I remember my pastor telling me that I needed to "walk in truth." Whatever the fuck that means... I numbed myself by reuniting with an ex. He and I began sleeping together again. My pastor told me I needed to "submit to his spiritual authority and end this relationship." They excommunicated me over it. They said I could not return to the church unless I publicly repented and asked for forgiveness. So within 2 months of me being hospitalized for suicide, they thought it was a good idea to excommunicate me. Then a month after that, I wound up pregnant. I had stopped birth control while attending that church because abstinence was the only way. The pastor had the balls to call me once he heard I was pregnant. He said "Now that you see we were right and only wanting to lead you to Jesus, why don't you come back to our church." Fuck. That. That whole experience was the most damaging thing I ever lived through. I didn't end up with my son's dad. When my son was 1, I dated a man who was strong in his faith. Again... I thought "he will lead me and my son well." But then he pulled out a Bible over lunch one day and read the chapter on submission. He said "Hannah, you light up when you see your son. You don't look at me like that. I believe it goes God, the husband, the wife, and then the children. That's biblical. It's how my family was growing up. But I'm worried... do you think you can ever find it in your heart to love me more than you love your son?" I laughed and said no. I said Gabe was a baby who would literally die without me. The loves weren't even comparable! He also asked if I could "trust his spiritual authority" and be willing to move and cut ties with my son's father if he thought it was best for me and Gabe. Again... fat no. So that ended that. Then 2019 I had a surprise female relationship. She was my best friend at the time. It just kind of happened at a Christmas party. She confessed her feelings. I was blown away. I did not see that coming. I took her home with me, and it grew from there. But the whole 3 months we dated was a secret. There was a lot of shame involved. Neither of us were out. And sadly, she was married to a man. And it was not a poly arrangement. So there was a lot of guilt and shame involved. She ended it saying that she needed to figure out what was going to happen with her marriage. She told me I should date men and women and confirm if I truly was bi. She accused me of having internal homophobia. Looking back, she was right. It wasn't until 2021 that I came out to my parents. And not until this year, 2023, that I've come out to the rest of the world. It took that long to deconstruct and rebuild my faith. I left the church for 3 years in my soul searching. 2 months ago, I joined an LGBTQ affirming UCC church. The pastor has been so welcoming. I started a book club for other queer folks who have felt rejected by the church. We are reading God And The Gay Christian by Matthew Vines. This has been a healing project for me... I finally feel that I have reconciled my faith and sexuality. And I finally feel open to a woman becoming my forever companion someday. I'm 33 years old. I now identify as a bisexual Christian. I no longer believe in complementarian gender roles. I am Egalitarian. Because all humans have equal worth and value. Thank you for reading my story.