Coming Out, Moving On: A Late Life Lesbian's Journey of Processing The Normal Feelings of Guilt and Grief During a Divorce (with Emily Bettdur)
💡 Guest bio
Emily Bettdur's story begins with her conservative Catholic upbringing that provided little exposure to homosexuality. Despite this, she found herself frequently commenting on attractive women while dating her ex-husband. It was her husband who eventually confronted her about her potential attraction to women, leading Emily to question her own feelings. Over time, she realized that she was indeed attracted to women. However, she struggled with societal expectations and the idea of following a predetermined checklist for life. Despite having a good relationship with her husband, Emily's desire and longing for women continued to grow. Eventually, the conflict caused issues in their marriage, and they both recognized the need for each of them to figure things out individually. Emily's husband suggested that she explore her feelings further by going on a date with a woman. This experience confirmed for Emily that she desired a life with a woman and staying in her marriage would only lead to unfulfilled yearning. She understood that staying in her marriage would lead to dissatisfaction and unfairness for both her and her ex-husband. They made the difficult decision to get divorced and separate, allowing Emily to embrace her true identity.
ℹ️ Introduction
On this episode of Lesbi-Honest, host Sarah St John invites guest Emily Bettdur to share her experience of going through a divorce and realizing her true sexuality. Emily opens up about the sadness and grief she felt during the divorce process, but also highlights how both she and her ex-spouse knew it was the right thing and approached it logically. They were able to navigate the divorce relatively easily, sitting down together to file paperwork and create a plan. Despite the emotions that arose, the couple remained mature and amicable, resulting in a strong friendship that continues to this day. Emily's ex-spouse has even found love with a new girlfriend, whom Emily accepts and loves.
However, not all divorces are as amicable, and Emily shares the contrast with her wife's relationship with her own ex-husband, who is not on good terms with her. Emily and her current wife both identify as late-life lesbians, and Emily dives into their belief in true love and their dating history. They met on a dating app and, despite past negative experiences, felt an instant connection. After eight months of dating, they got married and have been together for almost three years. Emily emphasizes the strong communication and love they share, which surpassed their expectations. Yet, she also discusses the fear and anxiety they experienced before getting married again due to their previous divorce. Nevertheless, they are grateful for finding the right person and having a strong relationship.
The conversation takes a turn as Emily delves into coming out as LGBTQ+ to her family while going through the divorce. Her mother had a shocking and initially incomprehension reaction, questioning if therapy couldn't save the marriage. She needed time to process and sought guidance from a priest, but eventually accepted Emily's partner. Emily stresses the importance of giving families time to process and grieve when accepting LGBTQ+ loved ones, acknowledging that the grieving process may involve anger and need to be met with grace and space.
The episode touches on the difficulties of grieving and guilt in this situation. People often feel guilty for grieving because they feel responsible for the relationship ending. Emily highlights how women, in particular, may question their own feelings if they miss their ex-husbands while identifying as lesbians, and the common experience of feeling jealous when ex-husbands move on. She reassures listeners that it is normal to experience extra emotions and question one's sexuality during this process. Grieving is allowed and necessary, even if one feels responsible for the end of the relationship. Emily acknowledges the fear and uncertainty of envisioning a new life on one's own and missing the safety and stability of the previous relationship, as well as financial concerns.
As the episode progresses, Sarah and Emily discuss their shared experiences as late-life lesbians and the importance of providing support tailored to this specific journey. Emily talks about her own support program and course for women coming out later in life, offering resources, group chats, and weekly live meetings. She highlights the need for additional support beyond therapy and counseling. The conversation delves into the challenges of navigating the divorce process with children involved, emphasizing the importance of honesty, validation, and maintaining a close relationship for their well-being.
Emily also recounts her personal journey of coming out to her mother first, who then informed the rest of the family. While there were some boundary issues with certain family members regarding public displays of affection, Emily stood up for herself and her partner and saw positive change ensue. She believes that coming out can push others to self-reflect and ultimately lead to growth and acceptance.
Throughout the episode, Emily sheds light on her upbringing in a Catholic conservative family, her gradual exploration of her attraction to women, and the societal pressure to follow a checklist that influenced her decision to stay in her marriage despite her growing interest in women. Ultimately, Emily realized that she needed to be true to herself and pursued a divorce, knowing that sacrificing her true desires would lead to bitterness and resentment in the long run.
"On this episode of Lesbi-Honest, Sarah St John invites Emily Bettdur to share her journey of divorce, self-discovery, and acceptance as a late-life lesbian. Through their conversation, listeners gain insight into the complexities of navigating divorce, coming out to loved ones, and finding support as they pursue their true desires and authentic selves. Stay tuned for an empowering and informative episode filled with empathy, understanding, and personal growth."
❇️ Key topics and bullets
1. Experience of Going Through a Divorce
- Feelings of Sadness and Grief
- Mutual Understanding that Divorce was the Right Thing
- Relatively Easy Divorce Process
- Maintaining a Strong Friendship with Ex-Spouse
2. Finding True Love and Building a Strong Relationship
- Dating History and Finding a Perfect Match
- Strong Communication and Love in the Relationship
- Fear and Anxiety about Marriage Again
- Uncanny Connections with Partner
3. Coming Out as LGBTQ+ and Dealing with Family Reactions
- Signs of Sexual Orientation Throughout Marriage
- Identifying as Bi and Spouse's Acceptance
- Ending the Marriage due to New Relationship
- Coming Out to Family and Mother's Initial Shock
- Mother's Acceptance and Seeking Guidance
- Importance of Giving Families Time to Process and Grieve
4. Grieving and Dealing with Emotions
- Grief and Guilt in the Divorce Process
- Questioning Feelings and Identity
- Missing the Safety and Stability of the Previous Relationship
- Fears and Uncertainties about the Future
5. Launching a Support Program for Women Coming Out Later in Life
- Storytelling on YouTube and Instagram for Support
- Creating a 12-Week Support Program and Course
- The Importance of Tailored Support for Coming Out Later in Life
6. Navigating Co-Parenting and Discussing Separation with Children
- Honest Communication with Children about Separation
- Validating Emotions and Maintaining a Close Relationship
- Stability, Step-Siblings, and Co-Parenting Arrangements
7. Coming Out to Extended Family and Changing Perceptions
- Mom's Support in Coming Out to Family
- Positive Changes and Boundary Issues with Uncle
- Standing Up for Authenticity and Reconciliation with Uncle and Aunt
8. Discovering and Embracing Sexual Orientation
- Growing Up in a Conservative Environment
- Denying and Exploring Attraction to Women
- Societal Expectations and Sacrifices in Marriage
- Confirmed Desire for Life with Women and Deciding to Divorce
🧞♂️ Discussion questions
1. How did the speaker's experience of going through a divorce differ from the typical divorce narrative? What made their situation relatively easy and amicable?
2. How did the speaker's relationship with their ex-spouse evolve after the divorce? How did they maintain a strong friendship and still spend time together?
3. The speaker's ex-spouse has a new girlfriend who is accepted and loved by the speaker and their wife. How do you think this level of acceptance and friendship affects the dynamics of their post-divorce relationships?
4. The speaker mentions that not all divorces are as amicable, citing their wife's relationship with her ex-husband. How do varying levels of amicability affect the overall healing process for the individuals involved?
5. The speaker and their wife both identify as late-life lesbians. How does discovering and accepting one's sexuality later in life impact the divorce process and subsequent relationships?
6. The speaker emphasizes the importance of giving families time to process and grieve when accepting LGBTQ+ loved ones. How can individuals balance their own emotional needs while allowing their families the space to grieve and potentially come to terms with their sexuality?
7. Grief and guilt are two of the hardest things to deal with during the divorce process. How do these emotions manifest and what strategies can individuals use to cope with them?
8. The speaker discusses the fear and anxiety they experienced before getting married again after their divorce. How does the fear of repeating past mistakes impact relationships? How can individuals navigate these fears while also remaining open to love and connection?
9. The speaker mentions the challenges and uncertainties of envisioning a new life on one's own after a divorce. How can individuals build a sense of stability and security in their single lives?
10. The speaker highlights the importance of validating children's emotions and being honest with them during the divorce process. What impact can honest communication and validation have on children's well-being during this challenging time?
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